Christmas came and went, I almost missed it if I blinked to long. The whirlwind of getting ready for a new baby that was is in NICU in a moments time, getting settled, adjusting to the kids being in every possible holiday production this side of the Mississippi and then whamo christmas. My heart never settled, I didn't love that. It won't happen again. I hope.
Having her here was sweet she slept and missed it too... but thats allowed at 5lbs.
Shortly after Christmas we reentered the hospital with little ms, and the truth is for several moments I thought she was dying in my arms. She contracted the flu and oh man is it terrifying. We spent several days in PICU with her on CPAP and I never left her side but for 20 minutes of fresh air once. I just couldn't. I couldn't get out of my mind the days on end in NICU without someone. So I was privilged to be her someone. And we bonded there, beautifully, or at least I did.
We survived that somewhat hellish week, we laughed a lot for shear necessity and we slept through the new year too, as it was the first time in days she wasn't desating all over the place. We were happy to snooze through it.
I feel fairly fickle you all must know. Im in love again... I bask with my mouth, when only moments ago I was mumbling over heartache. I still have heartache. Just so your aware. I realize how it sounds...I do. Its embarrasing really. I am so hot and cold these wretched foster days.
I spotted a little boy so similar to baby R the other day, that I confided to my friend I want to rub his hair, and smooch his face. I am now that creepy lady at the park. Local moms, lock up your African boys, or I may just put them in my pocket. I miss him so, and pray for him and hope that his days are filled with joy and nuturing and so much love and lots of fist pumps, because he likes that.
But this little girl. Oh man, I love her too, thats the truth. She is my first little bit that I haven't met her biological family, so I have fully claimed her in my heart without the gentle reminders of what this is. I am trusting him with promises he has given me and so I just surrender her. Surrender me. Surrender my kids, as we are all ... all in right now. This process is never normal. Or right. But its what He has us do.
She is growing steadily despite sickness. She loves to be swaddled, her eyes haven't found us yet. She looks like she was born this morning still. People in public say I look great for having a baby, God bless them. And for not having a baby.... well lets not go there.
I am finding rhythym, nesting, purging, its a new year afterall. Getting caught up on this month of being behind, and sick, horribly sick. Wondering what this year has and holds for me.
In fact the missing of the countdown, didn't set my heart in motion for newness, for change, for hope. I shall countdown tonight.... because, its just good and right, and puts the year in motion on that best foot forward type of way....
Happy Happy New Year to you.
A Land of Hills and Valleys
5 hours ago