I have a new baby. Already. Crazy right?!
Thats what I said.
When the question came with an immediate answer needed.
It came when I was tired.
It came when I was busy.
It came and I would have let it go away.
Thankfully Jesus spoke to my husband, in tender and honest ways.
When I wasn't listening.
When I wasn't really asking.
I was just .. there.
Almost feeling like "really Jesus"
haven't we done enough this month, this season, this year.
And Im so ashamed of that now.
So very ashamed.
Because now he is a face and a name (not to you of course)
but to me.
The most beautiful baby boy who stole my heart instantly, so instantly its terrifying.
So instantly it drags me right back to being in the car driving home with baby D.
Here we go again, this roller coaster ride of redemption, obedience, grace.
Im pretty sure I've kissed him 400 times today.
Actually Im positive.
And to think he was just a question. A question I almost viewed as punishment, in the midst of his trying to bless me. Abundantly.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Friday, June 07, 2013
this is what this is
Keys, check
directions, check
phone, got it
Backed out the driveway.
June gloom is blanketed over the land.
God I love June gloom.
And today it arrived six days tardy.
Autopilot, My van loaded to the hilt, loaded full of a years worth of clothes for Baby D, of formula diapers, the works. This is what this is, I said. An abrupt end of our time with baby boy had him leaving with one days notice to drive him an hour away to a McDonalds parking lot, for a county worker to swoop away and back to his mama. My phone rang yesterday, "Court went so good Leslie she said, I get my boy back." Hurray I said.. and my heart crumbled. This is what this is. This is reunification. Good for her.... but... but but but.
Back in the van. Baby is sleeping, little breathy grunts, the kids are quiet, they know what this is. Rylan cried quietly, but mom she said, " I think I love him". Oh Rylan. I know you do.
I thought to myself, oh I remember the ache of breakups that ache, and I thought. Thank you Jesus for my husband at an early age. These aches suck.
The exchange, the worker, gasped at how big he was, how round, how healthy. She shoved the last of her McMuffin in her mouth, She hugged me..She took all the ridiculous amounts of stuff I packed for them. I ran to the security of my car and fell apart. This part sucks so bad. Rylan fell apart, I fell apart. We cried and rocked in the Norco parking lot of McDonalds me with my baby, sitting on the side of our van. This is life for us right now, I'm not ashamed.
I told her things, things I really believe. Baby D needed his mommy. She needed him. People get second chances, and she proved worthy of one, , God gives grace. He isn't ours. I don't know if the magnitude of doing this twice in 2 weeks is building. A crescendo of pain? I'm unsure. But when I got back in the car. I started crying. I backed out, as worker waved happily at an intersection and my face contorted to the ugly cry as I tried to peek in the back of the car seat, a sleeping D. The sobs started and we began a 2 hour drive home, of pulling off and on the freeway in between sob sessions from mom. I didn't hide it from my kids. Maybe I should have. I turned the radio up louder embarrassed, but heartbroken. This is what this is, right?!
This became less about baby D and more about K, V, the twins, this whole flipping year of being obedient, breaking hearts. Needing mending.
The song.... then, at least towards the end, when the pain was still there but I knew Gods voice was breaking through my sobs, it was so beautiful, and I realized the June Gloom was gone. The sun was out. My kids were chatting in the back about our summer dinner tonight. The one where we as a family plan our summer, make goals. It was all too much, the Lord, these lyrics, the sky.... You can probably guess it, I cried some more.
And then I spotted a bike, an old vintage cruiser, and in between sobs I thought I have wanted one for 2 years, here it is, Im going to load it up and go ride bikes with my kids, its a gift from Jesus. So seriously with blood shot very green eyes, I went up to the yard-sale man, and said.. "Man, How much is this bike?"... and he said.. like a million dollars basically, and I went back in the car crying... but on mission. To keep doing this, and take breaks, and ride bikes with my kids, and sing... sing until my lungs give out because my song is for Him and Him alone, maker of the universe, Father of these babies, lover of my soul. And when he calls me again, I will say yes, I will sing.
Tonight, today, tomorrow. I will miss D. I will miss how he sings when he cried, or held my finger with a bottle, and I will never forget the first laugh I got, or the way it felt again to have a baby in the house, it felt amazing. So amazing. . It is a privilege to be his "mom" for a month. A sweet sacred month.
Im thankful to be used, even when it hurts like crazy.
directions, check
phone, got it
Backed out the driveway.
June gloom is blanketed over the land.
God I love June gloom.
And today it arrived six days tardy.
Autopilot, My van loaded to the hilt, loaded full of a years worth of clothes for Baby D, of formula diapers, the works. This is what this is, I said. An abrupt end of our time with baby boy had him leaving with one days notice to drive him an hour away to a McDonalds parking lot, for a county worker to swoop away and back to his mama. My phone rang yesterday, "Court went so good Leslie she said, I get my boy back." Hurray I said.. and my heart crumbled. This is what this is. This is reunification. Good for her.... but... but but but.
Back in the van. Baby is sleeping, little breathy grunts, the kids are quiet, they know what this is. Rylan cried quietly, but mom she said, " I think I love him". Oh Rylan. I know you do.
I thought to myself, oh I remember the ache of breakups that ache, and I thought. Thank you Jesus for my husband at an early age. These aches suck.
The exchange, the worker, gasped at how big he was, how round, how healthy. She shoved the last of her McMuffin in her mouth, She hugged me..She took all the ridiculous amounts of stuff I packed for them. I ran to the security of my car and fell apart. This part sucks so bad. Rylan fell apart, I fell apart. We cried and rocked in the Norco parking lot of McDonalds me with my baby, sitting on the side of our van. This is life for us right now, I'm not ashamed.
I told her things, things I really believe. Baby D needed his mommy. She needed him. People get second chances, and she proved worthy of one, , God gives grace. He isn't ours. I don't know if the magnitude of doing this twice in 2 weeks is building. A crescendo of pain? I'm unsure. But when I got back in the car. I started crying. I backed out, as worker waved happily at an intersection and my face contorted to the ugly cry as I tried to peek in the back of the car seat, a sleeping D. The sobs started and we began a 2 hour drive home, of pulling off and on the freeway in between sob sessions from mom. I didn't hide it from my kids. Maybe I should have. I turned the radio up louder embarrassed, but heartbroken. This is what this is, right?!
This became less about baby D and more about K, V, the twins, this whole flipping year of being obedient, breaking hearts. Needing mending.
The song.... then, at least towards the end, when the pain was still there but I knew Gods voice was breaking through my sobs, it was so beautiful, and I realized the June Gloom was gone. The sun was out. My kids were chatting in the back about our summer dinner tonight. The one where we as a family plan our summer, make goals. It was all too much, the Lord, these lyrics, the sky.... You can probably guess it, I cried some more.
And then I spotted a bike, an old vintage cruiser, and in between sobs I thought I have wanted one for 2 years, here it is, Im going to load it up and go ride bikes with my kids, its a gift from Jesus. So seriously with blood shot very green eyes, I went up to the yard-sale man, and said.. "Man, How much is this bike?"... and he said.. like a million dollars basically, and I went back in the car crying... but on mission. To keep doing this, and take breaks, and ride bikes with my kids, and sing... sing until my lungs give out because my song is for Him and Him alone, maker of the universe, Father of these babies, lover of my soul. And when he calls me again, I will say yes, I will sing.
Tonight, today, tomorrow. I will miss D. I will miss how he sings when he cried, or held my finger with a bottle, and I will never forget the first laugh I got, or the way it felt again to have a baby in the house, it felt amazing. So amazing. . It is a privilege to be his "mom" for a month. A sweet sacred month.
Im thankful to be used, even when it hurts like crazy.
categories:
fostering
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
turning six
Dear Rylan,
I don't write you here near enough, but these days I feel compelled, to stop and linger and write you. Your just plain remarkable.
Im in love with your boney bottom, knobby knees, bruised up legs, and wild freckles. You are in all senses of the word a school girl.
You skip in place of walk, you jabber a million miles a minute. Your sense of humor is fully in tact, and your vocabulary astounds me. Your littered with band-aids because your brave. Your smile is a permanent thing because you have joy.
Being your mother brings me so much pride. Im trully blessed by you.
Right now you: love art, monkey bars, our garden, reading books, math, board games, the trampoline, riding bikes, your brother, your dolls.
You dislike: shrimp.
I seriously can't explain to you that already at such a tender age, I would choose you to spend time with even if I wasn't your mother.
This year we have all learned a lot about sacrifice, welcoming different children into our home, being flexible, and we have taught you the ache of saying goodbye. I also know we have taught you how to love others. Really love them, not just because they share our DNA, love them when they are hard to love. I pray its a lasting gift for you. I pray we are tender enough to your spirit. I pray you give us grace on how we fumble through this some days. I pray we give you enough of what you need to flourish.
You turned six last week. Six. Seriously a moment ago I held you in my arms, a moment ago I held your hands as you walked and now, skipping around in school uniforms your here, finishing kindergarten tomorrow. This ticking time feels so sacred. It feels so sweet. I wish I could talk wobbly teeth and shoe tying with you forever. Im not going to lie. When everything in your world can be made better with glitter and a Popsicle.
This is every mamas plight. I get it now, sitting next to the lady in the pediatrician, her first brand new 12 day old baby. I like the old women in the markets who warned me, want to tell this droppy sleepy eyed mama. Its fast. So fast. Hold your breath. Before it slips away. Hold them.
Oh Rylan I pray Jesus keeps gripping your heart. Im so thankful for your starting a life of walking with him, listening to the holy spirit. Asking good questions, seeking out answers.
I'll say it again, this is my most favorite age, but this time I mean it.
Love,
Mama
*for this girls birthday we totally surprised her by setting up this scene and inviting a couple friends to celebrate all that she loves art + candy. Go figure. The glow of the light was beautiful, the simplicity of celebrating her, the lack of weeks of prep, it was magic, her squeal, all of it. It felt so organic. It filled all of our spirits.
and don't forget our new little guy that we had gotten the day before. So sweet. This dear friend helped me pull of this day. Thank you Natalie.
I don't write you here near enough, but these days I feel compelled, to stop and linger and write you. Your just plain remarkable.
Im in love with your boney bottom, knobby knees, bruised up legs, and wild freckles. You are in all senses of the word a school girl.
You skip in place of walk, you jabber a million miles a minute. Your sense of humor is fully in tact, and your vocabulary astounds me. Your littered with band-aids because your brave. Your smile is a permanent thing because you have joy.
Being your mother brings me so much pride. Im trully blessed by you.
Right now you: love art, monkey bars, our garden, reading books, math, board games, the trampoline, riding bikes, your brother, your dolls.
You dislike: shrimp.
I seriously can't explain to you that already at such a tender age, I would choose you to spend time with even if I wasn't your mother.
This year we have all learned a lot about sacrifice, welcoming different children into our home, being flexible, and we have taught you the ache of saying goodbye. I also know we have taught you how to love others. Really love them, not just because they share our DNA, love them when they are hard to love. I pray its a lasting gift for you. I pray we are tender enough to your spirit. I pray you give us grace on how we fumble through this some days. I pray we give you enough of what you need to flourish.
You turned six last week. Six. Seriously a moment ago I held you in my arms, a moment ago I held your hands as you walked and now, skipping around in school uniforms your here, finishing kindergarten tomorrow. This ticking time feels so sacred. It feels so sweet. I wish I could talk wobbly teeth and shoe tying with you forever. Im not going to lie. When everything in your world can be made better with glitter and a Popsicle.
This is every mamas plight. I get it now, sitting next to the lady in the pediatrician, her first brand new 12 day old baby. I like the old women in the markets who warned me, want to tell this droppy sleepy eyed mama. Its fast. So fast. Hold your breath. Before it slips away. Hold them.
Oh Rylan I pray Jesus keeps gripping your heart. Im so thankful for your starting a life of walking with him, listening to the holy spirit. Asking good questions, seeking out answers.
I'll say it again, this is my most favorite age, but this time I mean it.
Love,
Mama
*for this girls birthday we totally surprised her by setting up this scene and inviting a couple friends to celebrate all that she loves art + candy. Go figure. The glow of the light was beautiful, the simplicity of celebrating her, the lack of weeks of prep, it was magic, her squeal, all of it. It felt so organic. It filled all of our spirits.
and don't forget our new little guy that we had gotten the day before. So sweet. This dear friend helped me pull of this day. Thank you Natalie.
Monday, May 20, 2013
wait who is broken?
Today is that part. The one that makes THIS fostercare.
The part that reminds me these aren't my babies.
It was hard, so hard. My breath totally escaped me literally, I found myself gasping and here they were those darn familiar anxiety attacks from childbirth. A distant memory. But here I was fighting for control, and I had none.
My daughters pain, My pain, I kept my hands busy to avoid my heart working overtime but then, someone kind looked me hard in the eyes, and asked that question, "how are you?" and my lip quivered and I was done for.
I wept the whole drive my home and I have hope for her, a crazy wild hope one that only Jesus could give me, but I do have hope. And I trust Him, who loves her, more.
But driving home, mending hurts, I realized she came to us so broken, and now here we are Broken. What is that? This world. So broken. Her, us.
The thing about foster, is this. You can never unknow the stuff you know. Its just pain, hurting, loving the least of these. And once you know it, once you rock hurt babies, once you see lost people in that capacity you don't undo it and go back to your simple life, it burdens you. Even if you want to quit. It doesn't stop the knowing. It doesn't stop the need, and our God is a big God. I ask him over and over to take my brokeness and make it into something beautiful. Today I feel broken.
He redeems.
This song, Im crying out tonight.
Our sweet new guy, went to stay with another family this week as we head on to go celebrate a wedding very soon. Excited for them, hard to let little guy go so soon, I begged for him to go. But once again, that reminder he is not mine. . Im certain I'll arrive back with him in a whole new clothes size, and riding a bike??! :)
We covet your prayers, our spirits feel tired and drained. We feel depleted. We want to soak up this time as a family, praying our togetherness heals, that we speak to our kids truth, that we trust Him and Him alone, and that we laugh hard until our bellies ache. I crave all of that.
The part that reminds me these aren't my babies.
It was hard, so hard. My breath totally escaped me literally, I found myself gasping and here they were those darn familiar anxiety attacks from childbirth. A distant memory. But here I was fighting for control, and I had none.
My daughters pain, My pain, I kept my hands busy to avoid my heart working overtime but then, someone kind looked me hard in the eyes, and asked that question, "how are you?" and my lip quivered and I was done for.
I wept the whole drive my home and I have hope for her, a crazy wild hope one that only Jesus could give me, but I do have hope. And I trust Him, who loves her, more.
But driving home, mending hurts, I realized she came to us so broken, and now here we are Broken. What is that? This world. So broken. Her, us.
The thing about foster, is this. You can never unknow the stuff you know. Its just pain, hurting, loving the least of these. And once you know it, once you rock hurt babies, once you see lost people in that capacity you don't undo it and go back to your simple life, it burdens you. Even if you want to quit. It doesn't stop the knowing. It doesn't stop the need, and our God is a big God. I ask him over and over to take my brokeness and make it into something beautiful. Today I feel broken.
He redeems.
This song, Im crying out tonight.
Our sweet new guy, went to stay with another family this week as we head on to go celebrate a wedding very soon. Excited for them, hard to let little guy go so soon, I begged for him to go. But once again, that reminder he is not mine. . Im certain I'll arrive back with him in a whole new clothes size, and riding a bike??! :)
We covet your prayers, our spirits feel tired and drained. We feel depleted. We want to soak up this time as a family, praying our togetherness heals, that we speak to our kids truth, that we trust Him and Him alone, and that we laugh hard until our bellies ache. I crave all of that.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
The one where I get honest in the middle of the night. Between feedings.
Its 2:55 am and I have a pull to this keyboard, my heart overflowing with words.
I have a newborn in the house, one that is asleep, the pull to you is greater than my pillow.
That is a miracle. This for some of us, you and I is a divine appointment
Let me back up.
Less than 36 hours ago my life knew nothing of a baby boy, leaving the hospital that needed someone to swoop in and call him their own for a season, and be his mama. His foster mama.
A month ago, a year ago, time and time ago the Lord made me promises in my heart. A promise he is fulfilling bit by bit child by child. This baby is amazing. I ran like the wind last minute to go and pick up a brand new tiny 8 lb baby boy. I have a nine week old in my home, who I held yesterday and saw yesterday for the first time, and I love him today, just like that. And if I give him back next week to his mama and daddy I'm ok with that in my spirit regardless if I think I'm better for him than them. It is simply my privilege right now.
You all ask me, some of you ask me, strangers ask me, ..... How do I know if I should do foster care?
Can you say your ok with the above?
Today I stroked a baby boys smooth face I stopped in the store with him in my arms with luscious blanket cuddling him, and yelled to Nick to come run, he is about to smile, and I didn't want him to miss it,, I with all my heart think I AM his mama, but my forever has no outline. But God called me to today and I have peace over that.
How do you love them and give them up? You all ask it. Strangers ask it. They aren't mine I scream in my head. They are His. This isn't about my comfort, or lack of pain. This is about obedience. I tell myself that everyday. It hurts, there are scars, but you just obey. Obedience typically always has a price. Somethings are more expensive than others.
Months ago I met V, and like that, that moment I BECAME her MAMA. The hardest thing I have ever ever done. At first it was so odd, but now over time its more natural I know her now I can say that. Her quirks, her 2 year old language, her bowels like clockwork.I have had to make the choice that our home isn't a fit for her. For that I am grieving So hard. I knew the court would (and they have with K) order me to give up a child I was loving. But I never no never thought I would have to make that call. There was no foster parent manual for this. There is no Google search. I have struggled with feeling like I have failed this precious most amazing little girl. God, I've wrestled big time with feeling like he abandoned me in equipping me in how to care for her. That he had abandoned her. I begged the Lord to make us work for her.
She is still in my home right now, she still runs to me, I am today her mama. But I am not her savior and the Lord so graciously, gave her to me for a season and I am trusting that He loves her more dearly than I do, and I am trusting that His plans for her are better than mine. I see it playing out already, so so beautifully. I am trusting Him that her time in our home was his plan, that His time in our lives was his plan. That He will not put this as one more ring of pain in her heart, in her attachment. One more notch in her file.
I am trusting Jesus alone that this was not failure, that was part of her story. Our story too. The pain of even sharing this with you, I was planning to avoid. It is humbling and raw and real.
Wednesday night I cried to my husband and told him never again, when V is matched with her new family I'm done. This is too painful. I wept at our table, in pain over the season of life we have endured with her, my heart split down the middle of having to make a choice for Cade to feel safe and secure in our home or to be with this sweet girl. Who has to make these choices, foster mamas, that's who. The very next day they called me about baby boy.
This wasn't what I thought I would "GET" out of foster care.
Isn't it so rewarding people ask?
I'm sure in some cases.. but not yet in mine. Was that His promise to me, to reward me? Or just ask me to be obedient. Obedience always. And if I think about rewarding, it is rewarding to be with them know them, even if the outcome isn't what I think it should be. Redefine rewarding.
The difference between foster to adopt and foster. Understand it people. Foster to adopt is that you accept a placement who is on adoptive path, The goal is for them to come into your home, and to be adopted. That could change, you could give them back but the goal at time of placement is for you to be their new forever family.
Foster is that, you go with the flow, children will leave, some children do stay. But your be all end all of "success" is you go with the flow. K going back regardless if I thought it was good... that was foster. Right there. That wasn't failure. That was us being what she needed for that time whether I thought they were good enough. The court said they were. I fought and loved her like my own for a season, and a day doesn't go by that we don't pray for her.
Each one serves a different calling, they are separate. Understand them, be open to agency's or county's about what your "goals/his calling" is for you. They are not the same. They do not come with the same heart.
Here we are a year later almost after the Lord tugged on our hearts and we jumped into this journey head first. We have learned a lot, and there has been pain. So much pain.
And today God redeemed a little too, he whispered to me "my love for her". Letting her go was loving her. It was loving Cade. It was loving. Pray for me as we let her go this week, Pray for her. . Pray for us as we bond with this new little guy. Just pray. . Foster is a tricky hard thing. A painful thing.. and He makes beautiful things out of messes. Thats what hes still doing with me.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day. And tomorrow I am a mommy to four.
Six years ago today I became a mommy to one. It is the most beautiful messy journey I have ever been on.
I have a newborn in the house, one that is asleep, the pull to you is greater than my pillow.
That is a miracle. This for some of us, you and I is a divine appointment
Let me back up.
Less than 36 hours ago my life knew nothing of a baby boy, leaving the hospital that needed someone to swoop in and call him their own for a season, and be his mama. His foster mama.
A month ago, a year ago, time and time ago the Lord made me promises in my heart. A promise he is fulfilling bit by bit child by child. This baby is amazing. I ran like the wind last minute to go and pick up a brand new tiny 8 lb baby boy. I have a nine week old in my home, who I held yesterday and saw yesterday for the first time, and I love him today, just like that. And if I give him back next week to his mama and daddy I'm ok with that in my spirit regardless if I think I'm better for him than them. It is simply my privilege right now.
You all ask me, some of you ask me, strangers ask me, ..... How do I know if I should do foster care?
Can you say your ok with the above?
Today I stroked a baby boys smooth face I stopped in the store with him in my arms with luscious blanket cuddling him, and yelled to Nick to come run, he is about to smile, and I didn't want him to miss it,, I with all my heart think I AM his mama, but my forever has no outline. But God called me to today and I have peace over that.
How do you love them and give them up? You all ask it. Strangers ask it. They aren't mine I scream in my head. They are His. This isn't about my comfort, or lack of pain. This is about obedience. I tell myself that everyday. It hurts, there are scars, but you just obey. Obedience typically always has a price. Somethings are more expensive than others.
Months ago I met V, and like that, that moment I BECAME her MAMA. The hardest thing I have ever ever done. At first it was so odd, but now over time its more natural I know her now I can say that. Her quirks, her 2 year old language, her bowels like clockwork.I have had to make the choice that our home isn't a fit for her. For that I am grieving So hard. I knew the court would (and they have with K) order me to give up a child I was loving. But I never no never thought I would have to make that call. There was no foster parent manual for this. There is no Google search. I have struggled with feeling like I have failed this precious most amazing little girl. God, I've wrestled big time with feeling like he abandoned me in equipping me in how to care for her. That he had abandoned her. I begged the Lord to make us work for her.
She is still in my home right now, she still runs to me, I am today her mama. But I am not her savior and the Lord so graciously, gave her to me for a season and I am trusting that He loves her more dearly than I do, and I am trusting that His plans for her are better than mine. I see it playing out already, so so beautifully. I am trusting Him that her time in our home was his plan, that His time in our lives was his plan. That He will not put this as one more ring of pain in her heart, in her attachment. One more notch in her file.
I am trusting Jesus alone that this was not failure, that was part of her story. Our story too. The pain of even sharing this with you, I was planning to avoid. It is humbling and raw and real.
Wednesday night I cried to my husband and told him never again, when V is matched with her new family I'm done. This is too painful. I wept at our table, in pain over the season of life we have endured with her, my heart split down the middle of having to make a choice for Cade to feel safe and secure in our home or to be with this sweet girl. Who has to make these choices, foster mamas, that's who. The very next day they called me about baby boy.
This wasn't what I thought I would "GET" out of foster care.
Isn't it so rewarding people ask?
I'm sure in some cases.. but not yet in mine. Was that His promise to me, to reward me? Or just ask me to be obedient. Obedience always. And if I think about rewarding, it is rewarding to be with them know them, even if the outcome isn't what I think it should be. Redefine rewarding.
The difference between foster to adopt and foster. Understand it people. Foster to adopt is that you accept a placement who is on adoptive path, The goal is for them to come into your home, and to be adopted. That could change, you could give them back but the goal at time of placement is for you to be their new forever family.
Foster is that, you go with the flow, children will leave, some children do stay. But your be all end all of "success" is you go with the flow. K going back regardless if I thought it was good... that was foster. Right there. That wasn't failure. That was us being what she needed for that time whether I thought they were good enough. The court said they were. I fought and loved her like my own for a season, and a day doesn't go by that we don't pray for her.
Each one serves a different calling, they are separate. Understand them, be open to agency's or county's about what your "goals/his calling" is for you. They are not the same. They do not come with the same heart.
Here we are a year later almost after the Lord tugged on our hearts and we jumped into this journey head first. We have learned a lot, and there has been pain. So much pain.
And today God redeemed a little too, he whispered to me "my love for her". Letting her go was loving her. It was loving Cade. It was loving. Pray for me as we let her go this week, Pray for her. . Pray for us as we bond with this new little guy. Just pray. . Foster is a tricky hard thing. A painful thing.. and He makes beautiful things out of messes. Thats what hes still doing with me.
Tomorrow is Mothers Day. And tomorrow I am a mommy to four.
Six years ago today I became a mommy to one. It is the most beautiful messy journey I have ever been on.
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
One Word Wednesday - Pink
This weeks word is PINK. Pink is s tricky one in my house, there isn't much of that dainty color laying around. Now yellow or white there is an abundance of.
I guess Ry and I are not girly girly. Who knew?
So last week when I was outside with little V, and this moment happened, I knew it was MY pink. Since I am unable to share her face, imagine the biggest smile ever behind that ball. She is pretty precious. Our time with her is winding down. I have so much on my heart about that, I'll share soon.
And this fun photo challenge wouldn't be complete without friends sharing in the fun.
Don't forget to snap a photo of pink today, and tag it on instagram : #onewordwednesday
Thursday, May 02, 2013
heart molding, mind forming days
This week sitting in time out Cade with his guilty look and his eyeballs that give away all of his lies sat there and said, "the snake made me do it". The newest excuse, blaming the serpent of Eves apple, on his own destruction of daddys skateboard.
And then she stalled, so beautifully. "Do you do wrong things mommy?
What 4 year old says that?
There has been a lot of talking about "the snake" about satan. I've told my children (and Im not sure if it was a good idea) that the wrong things to do are whispered in our head every day even to mommy and daddy by satan, Mom says to obey but your head will tell you not to, and that its satan. You choose who to listen to and you tell the wrong things, the bad things... to HUSH up. You do what you know is right? And they do, KNOW WHATS RIGHT. We identify it day in and out, we talk about it, a lot. Whats the right thing in this situation, whats wrong. Which do we choose.
I'm still learning this. At 31 and a half. Brutal.
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This week my daughter confessed she is a sinner, and asked Jesus to make her clean, and live in her. Best mom moment ever. She is quiet and shy about it, I pray she gets it. Deeply pray... either way He is moving and shaking in her. An answer to every prayer I have ever had for her.... "love him hardcore from an early age, and do it for a lifetime, and boldly walk in his commands" I've prayed that 500 times for her. Step one. My heart skips a beat. He hears our prayers.
We were sitting there doing subtraction. Counting bears scattered, if you have 10 bears, and 3 go to get honey.... and she said it, "Hey mom, can I ask you something?"
Stop stalling, I thought. Lets crank this out.
And then she stalled, so beautifully. "Do you do wrong things mommy?
YES I screamed in my head, yes yes yes. Im A sinner, that darn snake. " sure Rylan, I burn dinner, I yell at you sometimes, I say mean things, I think mean things, I'm a mommy, but I do bad things."
"Me too Mom, Is there a right way to ask God to live in my heart, like out loud, or to someone?"
My heart raced. Screw the counting bears, forget subtraction, who needs that anyway. "no Rylan, just that you admit you do wrong things, that you want him to wash them clean, and that he died on the cross just for you to do just that, and that you want to live for him, for him to live in you. Its that simple, in your head... out loud.. your choice."
"oh great mom, I did it last night in bed, wasn't sure if I did it right though. Oh mom the answer is 7. Can we pray again now, I would like that?."
And we did. And I cried, and she called daddy to tell him, and he cried. And we rejoiced and I love her so dearly.
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Right now Cade sits in time out again, with little V his sidekick/cohort with him. And what is he singing.
"I am sinner, if its not one thing its another".... and on with sons & daughters he goes.
I can't help but laugh.. and wonder what have I done?
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