I've been a numb mama, who flounders with a foot in each camp for Jesus to heal this babies body, and that he created her perfectly right how she is. Its like the North and South pole conflicting, but I trust them both.
I haven't really broken down and processed this. No tears, worried that if I did they wouldn't stop.
And truthfully I went a good 24 hours where I zombie walked the house, without sleeping, without changing out of that green dress. Where I didn't cry, just thrashed.
The only way I can describe this week, is here I am .. thrashing before the Lord. More info, more likely complications down the road, and my body thrashes before the Lord in the water. I take some of it in, in my thrashing. I hate this. All of this. This wasn't a club I signed up (who does?). This wasn't MY plans for this baby, for my life. Im Thrashing in water, not softly, not splashing, THRASHING.
Jesus keeps telling me to put my feet down in this puddle. But still I thrash. And its ugly. Violent. Angry, sad. Still thrashing. My spirit is upside down.
A new language is being spoken around me, they assume this is a club I've been a part of before.. and Im constantly asking for clarification on what these words, terms, insurance codes mean. I dont know them. Im too busy thrashing, don't they know.
Yesterday at church this song happened. And man it was a balm to my spirit.
The fact that I've been so busy with baby blowouts and poetry units to process any of this, to reach down and trust him. Between me thrashing and real life with 2 big kids and 1 high needs baby, whos got time to process?
But these words, man.. if your thrashing... will force your legs to the ground. Will lift your head up to the heavens and just force you to lean into our Father.
I need less thrashing... more trusting....
HE cares for the orphan.
The pressure is off, Im just to be hands. Because he has the weight of this.
He cares for me.
He gives justice to the weak.
To her and me.
My confidence is in the name of the Lord. Not the healing, not the circumstance... Man....
And to stand there and surrender and just sing hallelujah........
well thrashing subsides.The water calms.
My feet hit (only knee deep, because the thrashing has been ridiculous anyways).
God is so sovereign.
But it will be on repeat this week, when the enemy strikes.......