I haven't known what to write or say.
Heck I haven't known what to think.
I still don't. But I know this has been good therapy for me time and time again.
I've said goodbye to baby E and I will never be the same.
How can someone they say is capable of so little already accomplish so much in her little life?
We are a week out. And this has hurt so bad I can't breathe.
She was MY baby. For lack of all other words.
This week has been so strange, I hadn't realized everything that had been let go of to love her and care for her. We are finding we have so much time we don't even know what to do, without her. For now we will fill in the gaps with all our emotions, with comforting weepy kids, with crying in the bathroom. With staring at photos. With bike rides with our big kids. With making mental declarations, like I am over and done with all this. All this heartache.
I also find Im pleading with the Lord to draw me in, extract the bitter, because its grown there. Maybe even fermented throughout all the goodbyes. So many goodbyes. And oh I want to surrender to him without barrier.
I've drawn close to my husband and didn't realize how much I've missed him. Or how pulled in opposite directions we've been. Half living at the hospital or therapy, or drs. Half trying to meet the needs of the big kids.
I don't know that I will ever understand the process of the last year until I face the Lord. And Im ok with that I think.
A couple days before she left we took family pictures with her. I hadn't cut my hair in almost a year. She rolled into our life 100 miles an hour and started screaming from the get go, and we ran from there. My hair had gotten long, really long, half dead on the bottom from all the wet messy buns. Scraggly, worn. The way I felt. I walked into a cheap solution strip mall style. I asked her just to cut off all the dead. And she started, and I wept. All six inches worth. Awkwardly. All this dead was so much of the heaviness I felt caring for El. Navigating feeding tubes, mobility, healthy, infection. Not caring for anything else. To everyone detriment. And it was/is worth it. But that poor unknowing hair cutter, she had no idea how desperately I wanted to keep my split ends. It was brutal, and the next few days kept going like that. The quality of OUR life improving, eating hot meals as a family, having time with Nick, going on family bike rides, , but without her, nothing felt right. We had taken such ownership over her. She was/is our family. And we all verbalize that daily.
The beauty from ashes are everywhere. All good things, but the cost, the cost is brutal. The cost is too much.
Its hard to write here, to honor her story and privacy and not tell my own. So hard. But know we are here breaking life down bit by bit.
At the dinner table I asked the kids, what do you need more of, now that we have "more"?
Rylan- more family time, games bike rides, books
Cade - more Mario Kart (shocking hes six)
Nick - more of Mommy
Leslie -more routine and healthy rhythym to our days.. The days have been survival.
Its funny that we can feel like we have more, when we feel such loss.
I have no nice and tidy wrap up.
Just some words on this is where we are.
I pray one day I can look back and see some of this.
Stones of remembrance what the Lord pulled us through.
1 Second Everyday :: September & October
5 hours ago